He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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