why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
