By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
