U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
