I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
