I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
