i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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