I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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