God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
