I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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