i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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