I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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