A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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