It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
