My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
