Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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