i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
