and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
