bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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