Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
