I wish I could punch you in the face.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
