90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
foreskin is a definite game changer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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