i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
