So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
