sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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