im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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