Just fell off a train. Bad.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
