I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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