i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
