i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
