worst night to have a conscience
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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