Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
