I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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