I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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