Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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