Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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