Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
