Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
