I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
