we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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