I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
