In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
