i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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