i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
