Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
