First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You left your phone here
Wait...
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