I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Randomize
