you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
