i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
