Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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