Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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