I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
