Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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