your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
how drunk are you?
Several
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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