just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
