I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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